.FUNCT	JOES-BAR-F,RARG
	EQUAL?	RARG,M-LOOK \FALSE
	PRINTI	"An undistinguished bar, yet the social center of Upper Sandusky. The front door is almost lost amidst the hazy maze of neon that shrouds the grimy glass of the south wall. "
	PRINT	DOORS-MARKED
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	BAR-DOOR-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?ENTER \?ELS5
	CALL	DO-WALK,P?SOUTH
	RSTACK	
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?CLOSE,V?OPEN \?ELS7
	PRINTR	"It's a swinging door."
?ELS7:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?LOOK-INSIDE \FALSE
	CALL	PERFORM-PRSA,WINDOW
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	BAR-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?DISEMBARK,V?EXIT,V?LEAVE \?ELS5
	CALL	DO-WALK,P?SOUTH
	RSTACK	
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?BOARD,V?WALK-TO,V?ENTER \?ELS7
	PRINT	LOOK-AROUND
	RTRUE	
?ELS7:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?EXAMINE \?ELS9
	CALL	V-LOOK
	RSTACK	
?ELS9:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?SEARCH \FALSE
	PRINT	NOTHING-NEW
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	JOE-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?TELL /?THN6
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?ASK-FOR \?ELS5
	EQUAL?	PRSI,BEER \?ELS5
?THN6:	PRINTI	"""You've had enough."""
	CRLF	
	CALL	STOP
	RSTACK	
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?EXAMINE \FALSE
	PRINTR	"Joe is bartending."


	.FUNCT	BEER-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?BUY \FALSE
	EQUAL?	HERE,JOES-BAR \FALSE
	PRINTI	"The bartender"
	CALL	RUNNING?,I-URGE
	ZERO?	STACK /?CND8
	PRINTI	", a keen judge of bladders,"
?CND8:	PRINTI	" says, "
	CALL	PERFORM,V?TELL,JOE
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	GARMENT-F
	CALL	WRONG-SEX-WORD,GARMENT,W?LOINCLOTH,W?BIKINI
	ZERO?	STACK /?ELS5
	CALL	STOP
	RSTACK	
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?EXAMINE \?ELS7
	FSET?	CELL,TOUCHBIT \?ELS7
	PRINTI	"The "
	CALL	DPRINT,GARMENT
	PRINTR	", tight but comfy, covers only the ""bare essentials."""
?ELS7:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?LOOK-INSIDE \?ELS11
	PRINTI	"1. You
2. A "
	CALL	DPRINT,COMIC-BOOK
	CRLF	
	RTRUE	
?ELS11:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?TAKE-OFF /?THN14
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?TAKE \FALSE
	ZERO?	GONE-APE /FALSE
?THN14:	PRINTI	"But"
	CALL	TPRINT,GARMENT
	FSET?	GARMENT,PLURALBIT \?ELS20
	PRINTI	" are"
	JUMP	?CND18
?ELS20:	PRINTI	" is"
?CND18:	PRINTR	" so becoming!"


	.FUNCT	POCKET-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?LOOK-INSIDE \?ELS5
	PRINTI	"There's"
	CALL	APRINT,COMIC-BOOK
	PRINTR	" there."
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?PUT \FALSE
	EQUAL?	PRSI,POCKET \FALSE
	PRINTI	"There's no room. "
	CALL	PERFORM,V?LOOK-INSIDE,POCKET
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	COMIC-BOOK-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?BURN,V?TAKE,V?REMOVE \?ELS5
	EQUAL?	PRSO,COMIC-BOOK \?ELS5
	PRINTI	"You change your mind and"
	PRINT	STICK-IT-IN-POCKET
	PRINTR	" instead."
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?OPEN,V?LOOK-INSIDE,V?READ \FALSE
	FSET?	CELL,TOUCHBIT \?ELS12
	PRINTI	"""Hello, Prisoner!
   You are a captive of "
	PRINTD	LGOP
	PRINTI	". As an experimental subject, your unspeakably painful death will help our effort to enslave humanity and turn the Earth into our private pleasure world. Consider this to be a great honor, human.""
   The remainder of the book covers the exacting rules of behavior expected of a prisoner of "
	PRINTD	LGOP
	PRINTI	". For example, it mentions that escapees will be killed immediately and painfully by crack Leckbandi guards."
	JUMP	?CND10
?ELS12:	CALL	IN-YOUR-PACKAGE,STR?205
?CND10:	PRINTI	" After reading it, you"
	PRINT	STICK-IT-IN-POCKET
	PRINT	PERIOD-CR
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	FLASHLIGHT-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?LOOK-INSIDE,V?OPEN \?ELS5
	PRINTI	"The "
	PRINTD	FLASHLIGHT
	PRINTR	" has rusted shut."
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?POINT \FALSE
	FSET?	FLASHLIGHT,ONBIT \FALSE
	ZERO?	PRSI /FALSE
	PRINT	NOTHING-NEW
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	MENS-ROOM-ENTER-F
	ZERO?	SEX-CHOSEN \?ELS5
	SET	'SEX-CHOSEN,TRUE-VALUE
	SET	'MALE,TRUE-VALUE
	MOVE	STOOL,MENS-ROOM
	FSET	SULTANS-WIFE,FEMALEBIT
	FSET	HAREM-GUARD,FEMALEBIT
	FSET	YOUNG-WOMAN,FEMALEBIT
	PUTP	SIDEKICK,P?SDESC,STR?207
	PUTP	SIDEKICKS-BODY,P?SDESC,STR?208
	PUTP	SPLATTERED-SIDEKICK,P?SDESC,STR?209
	PUTP	THORBAST,P?SDESC,STR?210
	PUTP	THORBAST-SWORD,P?SDESC,STR?211
	PUTP	SULTAN,P?SDESC,STR?212
	PUTP	YOUNG-WOMAN,P?SDESC,STR?213
	PUTP	PHOTO,P?SDESC,STR?214
	PUTP	HAREM,P?ODOR,STR?215
	RETURN	MENS-ROOM
?ELS5:	ZERO?	MALE /?ELS7
	RETURN	MENS-ROOM
?ELS7:	PRINTD	MENS-ROOM
	CALL	WRONG-BATHROOM,STR?216
	RFALSE	


	.FUNCT	LADIES-ROOM-ENTER-F
	ZERO?	SEX-CHOSEN \?ELS5
	SET	'SEX-CHOSEN,TRUE-VALUE
	MOVE	STOOL,LADIES-ROOM
	FSET	ME,FEMALEBIT
	FSET	SULTAN,FEMALEBIT
	FSET	SIDEKICK,FEMALEBIT
	FSET	THORBAST,FEMALEBIT
	PUTP	SIDEKICK,P?SDESC,STR?217
	PUTP	SIDEKICKS-BODY,P?SDESC,STR?218
	PUTP	SPLATTERED-SIDEKICK,P?SDESC,STR?219
	PUTP	THORBAST,P?SDESC,STR?220
	PUTP	THORBAST-SWORD,P?SDESC,STR?221
	PUTP	SULTAN,P?SDESC,STR?222
	PUTP	YOUNG-WOMAN,P?SDESC,STR?223
	PUTP	PHOTO,P?SDESC,STR?224
	PUTP	HAREM,P?ODOR,STR?225
	RETURN	LADIES-ROOM
?ELS5:	ZERO?	MALE /?ELS7
	PRINTD	LADIES-ROOM
	CALL	WRONG-BATHROOM,STR?226
	RFALSE	
?ELS7:	RETURN	LADIES-ROOM


	.FUNCT	WRONG-BATHROOM,STRING
	PRINTI	"
   As you enter the wrong bathroom, a "
	PRINT	STRING
	PRINTI	". You hustle out.

"
	CALL	DESCRIBE-ROOM
	RSTACK	


	.FUNCT	BATHROOM-F,RARG
	EQUAL?	RARG,M-LOOK \?ELS5
	PRINTI	"This filthy bathroom belies the existence of disinfectant. A single toilet and sink are the only fixtures. More breathable air can be found to the south"
	EQUAL?	HERE,MENS-ROOM \?ELS8
	PRINTI	"ea"
	JUMP	?CND6
?ELS8:	PRINTI	"we"
?CND6:	PRINTI	"st."
	RTRUE	
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	RARG,M-SMELL \FALSE
	CALL	THIS-IS-IT,PIZZA
	MOVE	PIZZA,HERE
	PRINTI	"You trace the smell to"
	CALL	APRINT,PIZZA
	PRINTI	", crumpled in the corner. [Incidentally, we had some pretty putrid scents available, all of which would've seemed right at home in a filthy restroom. In the end, we were too kind to use them -- but we were sorely tempted!]"
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	MENS-ROOM-OBJECT-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?ENTER,V?FIND \?ELS5
	EQUAL?	HERE,JOES-BAR \?ELS10
	CALL	DO-WALK,P?NW
	RSTACK	
?ELS10:	PRINT	LOOK-AROUND
	RTRUE	
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?WALK-TO \?ELS14
	EQUAL?	HERE,JOES-BAR \?ELS19
	CALL	DO-WALK,P?NW
	RSTACK	
?ELS19:	EQUAL?	HERE,MENS-ROOM \FALSE
	CALL	V-PEE
	RSTACK	
?ELS14:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?DISEMBARK,V?LEAVE,V?EXIT \?ELS23
	EQUAL?	HERE,MENS-ROOM \?ELS28
	CALL	DO-WALK,P?SE
	RSTACK	
?ELS28:	PRINT	LOOK-AROUND
	RTRUE	
?ELS23:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?LOOK-INSIDE \?ELS32
	EQUAL?	HERE,MENS-ROOM \?ELS37
	PRINT	LOOK-AROUND
	RTRUE	
?ELS37:	PRINT	CANT-FROM-HERE
	RTRUE	
?ELS32:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?SEARCH \?ELS41
	PRINT	NOTHING-NEW
	RTRUE	
?ELS41:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?USE \?ELS43
	EQUAL?	HERE,JOES-BAR \?ELS48
	PRINT	LOOK-AROUND
	RTRUE	
?ELS48:	CALL	V-PEE
	RSTACK	
?ELS43:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?EXAMINE \FALSE
	PRINTR	"Filthy."


	.FUNCT	LADIES-ROOM-OBJECT-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?ENTER,V?FIND \?ELS5
	EQUAL?	HERE,JOES-BAR \?ELS10
	CALL	DO-WALK,P?NE
	RSTACK	
?ELS10:	PRINT	LOOK-AROUND
	RTRUE	
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?WALK-TO \?ELS14
	EQUAL?	HERE,JOES-BAR \?ELS19
	CALL	DO-WALK,P?NE
	RSTACK	
?ELS19:	EQUAL?	HERE,LADIES-ROOM \FALSE
	CALL	V-PEE
	RSTACK	
?ELS14:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?DISEMBARK,V?LEAVE,V?EXIT \?ELS23
	EQUAL?	HERE,LADIES-ROOM \?ELS28
	CALL	DO-WALK,P?SW
	RSTACK	
?ELS28:	PRINT	LOOK-AROUND
	RTRUE	
?ELS23:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?LOOK-INSIDE \?ELS32
	EQUAL?	HERE,LADIES-ROOM \?ELS37
	PRINT	LOOK-AROUND
	RTRUE	
?ELS37:	PRINT	CANT-FROM-HERE
	RTRUE	
?ELS32:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?SEARCH \?ELS41
	PRINT	NOTHING-NEW
	RTRUE	
?ELS41:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?EXAMINE,V?USE \FALSE
	CALL	PERFORM-PRSA,MENS-ROOM-OBJECT
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	GENERIC-RESTROOM-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?ENTER,V?FIND,V?WALK-TO \?ELS5
	EQUAL?	HERE,JOES-BAR \?ELS5
	PRINT	DOORS-MARKED
	CRLF	
	RETURN	NOT-HERE-OBJECT
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?WALK-TO \?ELS9
	CALL	V-PEE
	RETURN	NOT-HERE-OBJECT
?ELS9:	ZERO?	SEX-CHOSEN /FALSE
	ZERO?	MALE /?ELS17
	RETURN	MENS-ROOM-OBJECT
?ELS17:	RETURN	LADIES-ROOM-OBJECT


	.FUNCT	TOILET-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?USE,V?PEE-IN \?ELS5
	CALL	V-PEE
	RSTACK	
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?CLOSE \?ELS7
	CALL	NO-LID
	RSTACK	
?ELS7:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?FLUSH \?ELS9
	PRINTR	"Probably the first fresh water to enter this john in a month."
?ELS9:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?EXAMINE,V?LOOK-INSIDE \FALSE
	PRINT	YECHH
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	SINK-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?EXAMINE,V?LOOK-INSIDE \FALSE
	CALL	PERFORM,V?EXAMINE,TOILET
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	STOOL-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?EXAMINE \?ELS5
	FSET?	STOOL,TOUCHBIT /?ELS5
	PRINTR	"It's safe to take, if you receive my meaning."
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?CLIMB,V?BOARD \FALSE
	FIRST?	STOOL \?ELS14
	CALL	DO-FIRST,STR?228,STOOL
	RSTACK	
?ELS14:	IN?	PROTAGONIST,TREE-HOLE \FALSE
	MOVE	PROTAGONIST,HERE
	PRINTI	"Using the stool, you"
	CALL	AND-SIDEKICK,HERE
	PRINTR	" climb out of the hole."


	.FUNCT	I-URGE
	CALL	QUEUE,I-URGE,-1
	INC	'URGE-COUNTER
	PRINTI	"   "
	EQUAL?	URGE-COUNTER,1 \?ELS5
	PRINTR	"You feel an urge."
?ELS5:	EQUAL?	URGE-COUNTER,2 \?ELS7
	PRINTR	"You trace the urge to the region of your bladder."
?ELS7:	EQUAL?	URGE-COUNTER,3 \?ELS9
	PRINTI	"Though operating at far below normal speed, your mind begins to conclude that it would be best at this point to "
	EQUAL?	HERE,MENS-ROOM,LADIES-ROOM \?ELS12
	PRINTI	"use the"
	JUMP	?CND10
?ELS12:	PRINTI	"find a"
?CND10:	PRINTR	" bathroom."
?ELS9:	EQUAL?	URGE-COUNTER,4 \?ELS16
	PRINTR	"Even if you don't care about your clothes, imagine the embarrassment!"
?ELS16:	PRINT	YOU-CANT
	PRINTI	"wait another second. "
	EQUAL?	HERE,MENS-ROOM,LADIES-ROOM \?ELS23
	CALL	QUEUE,I-KIDNAPPING,3
	CALL	DEQUEUE,I-URGE
	MOVE	PROTAGONIST,HERE
	PRINTI	"Fortunately, you've stumbled upon a bathroom. A moment later, you are feeling much better, although your thigh muscles are still quivering a tad."
	CALL	NOTICE-PIZZA-ODOR
	RSTACK	
?ELS23:	PRINTI	"Without going into embarrassing detail, you've made a mess. A moment later, before even half the people in Joe's have begun tittering, a flash of green light precedes the arrival of two VERY odd patrons. They rotate their bellies to get a better look at you. As their mouth stalks open you find that, despite an evolution that occurred dozens of astronomical units from Upper Sandusky, these fellows speak in perfect midwestern English.
   ""This one?""
   ""A pitiful specimen ... can't even control simple bodily functions ... the tests would be worthless...""
   ""Agreed. Must've been a screw-up somewhere. Let's take this one instead.""
   They grab a blonde woman, whose scream is cut short by another green flash. Three weeks later, when the Earth is invaded and everyone is enslaved by "
	PRINTD	LGOP
	PRINTI	", you wonder if there was a connection."
	CRLF	
	CALL	FINISH
	RSTACK	


	.FUNCT	PIZZA-F
	EQUAL?	PRSA,V?TAKE,V?TASTE,V?EAT \FALSE
	FSET	PIZZA,TOUCHBIT
	PRINTI	"The very thought is enough to make stronger "
	ZERO?	MALE \?CND6
	PRINTI	"wo"
?CND6:	PRINTI	"men than yourself "
	ZERO?	NAUGHTY-LEVEL \?ELS11
	PRINTI	"become quite ill"
	JUMP	?CND9
?ELS11:	EQUAL?	NAUGHTY-LEVEL,1 \?ELS13
	PRINTI	"vomit"
	JUMP	?CND9
?ELS13:	PRINTI	"puke their guts out"
?CND9:	PRINT	PERIOD-CR
	RTRUE	


	.FUNCT	NOTICE-PIZZA-ODOR
	FSET?	NOSE,MUNGBIT /FALSE
	CALL	THIS-IS-IT,ODOR
	CRLF	
	PRINTR	"   Now that the ""crisis"" has passed, you notice a strong and familiar odor pervading the room."


	.FUNCT	I-KIDNAPPING
	IN?	PROTAGONIST,STOOL \?CND1
	MOVE	STOOL,CELL
?CND1:	MOVE	PROTAGONIST,HERE
	ZERO?	MALE /?ELS6
	PUTP	GARMENT,P?SDESC,STR?229
	JUMP	?CND4
?ELS6:	PUTP	GARMENT,P?SDESC,STR?230
?CND4:	PUTP	COMIC-BOOK,P?SDESC,STR?231
	FCLEAR	GARMENT,NARTICLEBIT
	FCLEAR	GARMENT,VOWELBIT
	FCLEAR	GARMENT,PLURALBIT
	CALL	ROB,PROTAGONIST,CELL
	MOVE	GARMENT,PROTAGONIST
	MOVE	COMIC-BOOK,PROTAGONIST
	CALL	INCREMENT-SCORE,1,7
	ZERO?	VERBOSITY /?CND10
	PRINTI	"   A brilliant flash of green light seems less unusual when followed by the appearance of tentacled aliens, as is the case with the current flash of green light. The tentacles wrap roughly around you as you faint.
   After an unknown amount of time... Well, let's "
	ZERO?	NAUGHTY-LEVEL \?ELS15
	PRINTI	"be frank"
	JUMP	?CND13
?ELS15:	PRINTI	"cut the "
	EQUAL?	NAUGHTY-LEVEL,1 \?ELS20
	PRINTI	"crap"
	JUMP	?CND13
?ELS20:	PRINTI	"bullshit"
?CND13:	PRINTI	". 7.3 hours later, you wake. Your head feels as if it's been run over by several locomotives, or at least one very large locomotive, and your clothes are now unrecognizable"
	PRINT	ELLIPSIS
?CND10:	CALL	GOTO,CELL
	CALL	CELL-F,M-END
	RSTACK	

	.ENDI